this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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