Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I could make wine with my vomit
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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