Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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