My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
