I smell stomach acid.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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