hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
