So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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