you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
