the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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