I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
