just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
