If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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