Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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