that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
