Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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