"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
