Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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