dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
