i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
