I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
