you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
