I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
