and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
