Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
