i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
