there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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