I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
