never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
