so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
