enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
