there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
