U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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