Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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