I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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