Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
