The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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