Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
