I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
