do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
