Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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