I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
