No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
