Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
