Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
