Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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