It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
