I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
