my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
