When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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