Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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