Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I think my moral compass just broke
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
